self•lationship: solitude vol.3

Uncategorized

solitude vol.1

sol·i·tude

/ˈsäləˌt(y)o͞od/

noun

  1. the state or situation of being alone.

expectations vs reality

Moving onto volume three of solitude and I am going to be honest, this one might be difficult for me to complete. Today I’m going to take you all on a ride. I will try my best to make it brief. Long story short, I was in love once. Truly, madly, deeply and all the way in that shit. No, seriously LOL. Except when it happened I was only 15 years old. Now many people might say, “that’s just puppy luv.” Well to myself and my ex-boyfriend I don’t believe we saw it as such nor do I think we do even now.

We took each other on quite the roller-coaster of emotions for a good 10 years but were only in an actual relationship for about 3 years. The other 7 years were pure fuckery, stupidity and lust wrapped all in one. Before that happened, we had planned out baby names, swore up and down we’d be married by our mid 20s. That was obviously a reach, neither of us are married nor do we have children.

Isn’t it funny how we as humans think we can plan out everything, knowing damn well it’s ultimately not up to us? It’s wild to see. Either way, that’s what we did. Our classmates and friends would call us Michelle and Obama (not even joking). It was cute to be honest, even when I look back at it now.

I’ll never forget we had this bond over sharing Sun Chips in the cafeteria during lunch. I randomly stumbled across this memory on Facebook earlier this week and it honestly brought me a good laugh. Our bond was made out of early 2000’s teenage rom-com movies.

Isn’t it funny how we as humans think we can plan out everything, knowing damn well it’s ultimately not up to us?

We did the whole thing, had class together, were in similar after school programs, went to prom together and graduated together. It was to me a dream come true. Coming from a once two parent home that then shifted to a one parent home shook me to my core as an adolescent. It is something I am still processing through therapy. Yes, your childhood can be that detrimental.

It wasn’t until my time as a teacher 4 years ago that I realized that my childhood was actually considered as a form of trauma. For a while I thought that only meant those who were abused or abandoned which in some ways I was but that’s a different story.

Regardless, I found myself so enthralled in this relationship that when it ended I didn’t know how to react. He broke it off, I panicked. That was the first time I found myself on a therapist’s couch. I was 18, a freshman in college and confused. Mind you, life was still very much hectic with family and just a few months before that I had been kicked out of my school briefly due to financial reasons.

For your listening pleasure while reading:

So perhaps I thought the therapy was needed for my love wounds but there was much more to it. The reason I gave that story is to paint this picture. Relationships are not the end all, be all for anyone. It shouldn’t make you and it shouldn’t break you either. Can it? Absolutely. Should you allow it to? No.

Had I known just how special my creative spirit was and the moves I could make with my writing at that time, instead of crawling into a corner of sadness I would’ve used that pain to my advantage. Rather than going back and forth with my ex, I would’ve put a final stop to it realizing that you can’t force someone to love you who has stopped.

Now, can I truly get into his mind and figure out if immediately stopped loving me once he broke up with me? No I cannot but the fact of the matter is, our breakup pushed me into the growing pains of healing. I’m not saying he’s the reason for my growth in life because that is solely God’s doing. However, I do believe God used that breakup as a way to push me into the solitude needed to begin refining me into the woman who now stands in front of the world sharing my story.

Solitude can build one’s fortitude in this thing we call life.

Last night, my father sent me a WhatsApp voice note expressing that I shouldn’t tell the world so much of my business. I waited a day to finally see how I would express myself in response to him, I just sent it and feel at ease now. The purpose of my brand, business and I believe my path is in life is all about being fully transparent with others. There are people suffering in the world simply because they can’t or won’t speak up for what they are going through.

Being that I have been afforded those privileges, I only see it fit that I use those tools however I can. So sharing my story while finding innovative ways to do it is simply what I have chosen and will continue to do.

Sharing this story about my ex was hard and weird. But he’s been on my mind lately so I wrote about him. There’s no need to slander him or our breakup. Instead, I found a way to simply express what I have learned from that situation.

Through my honesty, may peace and healing flow to my readers through their phone or computer screens.

My high school sweetheart breakup propelled my life into a forced solitude that I may not have wanted but I’ve learned/grown to love. I also realize that it forced me to not jump into a relationship either. Now that could be due to my emotional walls being up but at the same time it saved me from some extra heartache that I didn’t need to experience.

Solitude can build one’s fortitude in this thing we call life.

So let’s all learn to embrace it a little more.

Your Good Sis,

Sophonie

self•lationship: solitude vol.1

black blogger, black girl blogger, black woman writer, black writer, healing, self care, self love, selflationship, writing about healing

solitude vol.1

sol·i·tude

/ˈsäləˌt(y)o͞od/

noun

  1. the state or situation of being alone.

For your listening pleasure while reading:

In accordance with the recent events of the world, many of us have found ourselves in a space where we have been forced to be alone. Even if you might live with someone else or others, you are still forced into this new sense of being on your own. No longer is there that constant hustle and bustle we are all so accustomed to. No phones ringing at work, the ding dinging of the cash register you stand behind unless your job is “essential,” and no more commuting. Instead we are now left to try to make sense of this all. All in all, considering what is happening, many of us are stuck in our heads thinking about all of the whats if or how about ifs. 

For me personally, I have been on an emotional roller coaster of reflection simply thinking about all of the what ifs of course but also what this moment of stillness means to me. Why would God allow such a horrific moment of history to repeat itself, some might be wondering. A pandemic? In the year of 2020? It’s quite astounding to say the least. I don’t have the answers to this but I’m sure it’s been a common theme of thought for everyone.

Regardless of the why this, why now and what ifs, one thing’s for sure; for those of us who are single this has pushed us even more into the space of solitude. While being alone does not mean that you are lonely, as someone who’s been single for now going on 8 years, that feeling has certainly reared its ugly head to my mental neighborhood quite a few times in the span of those years.

In fact it’s one of the reasons I decided to start this blog. I need a place to share some of my deepest feelings concerning my singleness but also I wanted to create a space where other Black Women can also feel comfortable doing the same.


The three principles of self•lationship include the following:

  1. solitude

  2. self-care

  3. serenity

For the purpose of this month, we will be focusing on the importance of understanding, “solitude.”

Often times when we hear the words lonely, alone or solitude our minds shift to a negative perspective. But what happens when we allow ourselves to flip that mindset. What about the peace that can be found when you are simply left to your lonesome? No one in your space or talking your ear off.


Solitude in itself isn’t a bad thing, being alone does not make your or anyone incomplete. However, society has a damn good way of making it seem that way. Think of every movie or show ever, the “boy meets girl,” trope is almost always present.

Girl falls head over heels, boy treats her to all of the romantic desires of her heart, boy eventually breaks girl’s heart or in some plot twists, vice versa. Either way, boy and girl eventually get married. They live happily ever after…right?

Who truly knows? What the media usually fails to portray is the in depth turmoil that many of us face individually as humans. In this case it isn’t a Black or white thing, it simply is a thing all human beings face. We all have our inner dialogue taking place


We all have skeletons in our closet rattling away in our brains and those bones most certainly impact us. Movies and TV shows tend to portray falling in love as the end all, be all and band-aid for all of our messiness and pain. When in actuality it can be the beginning of more mess and ultimately more pain in our lives.

Yet according to the TV and movie industry…broken hip? Just fall head over heels in love and you’ll be all good. Depression? Duh, just find random stranger on Tinder and fall in love. It’s simple math.

But on a serious note, it is not that simple. How often do we see solitude portrayed as a true place of peace, happiness, and love? Off the top of my head I can’t think of a movie or show like that. I’m sure it’s out there somewhere and perhaps I’ve seen it but it’s so rare I can’t think of it.

Either way, I say all this to say, as a single Black Woman, there are so many negative stereotypes attached to us as a whole. On one hand we might be over sexualized and expected to simply be a man’s sexual deviant mule. In other cases, we are so called, “Not exotic enough,” so therefore we are unattractive.

So where do we go? Sadly, many women in general have been conditioned to rather be with someone even if it hurts just so that they are not alone. I can speak to that abundantly because I’ve fallen victim to that mindset.

I’ve found myself in extremely questionable predicaments because the need to feel wanted overpowered my better judgement. I can advise you that this is not a good place to be in. But it happens. This is why self-lationship is so vital. I want to introduce the idea to women, Black Women especially that solitude does not mean imprisonment or unhappiness. Have you ever once considered how peaceful and full of love your life can still be even without a partner in the picture?

If not, I urge you to try and picture this. Close your eyes, breathe in and out. Now think of what you could accomplish, enjoy and experience while being single. The pressure of always having to satisfy someone else damn near daily disappears instantly, doesn’t it?

Before we depart for the night, remember one thing. You are worth more than a “just because relationship,” or “connection.” Your life, time and space are extremely valuable. Don’t ever forget it. I love you for real.

Your Good Sis,

Sophonie