Welcome back to another Friday night read with self•lationship. Enjoy!
I’ve been in therapy since February, so in a few months that will make it a year. There are quite a few things in my life right now that I am not accustomed to. For one, this is the longest I’ve stayed at a job, the same home, and with the same therapist for the last few years of my life. With that said, stability has entered the chat and I am certainly grateful for it. Part of that stability has also ushered in a new era for me in my singleness. I am learning the importance of exploring, learning, understanding and applying my boundaries. These boundaries are not just towards others but more importantly for myself.
You see, when you take the time to understand what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable, you are setting the stage for your future self to have less trauma to deal with. Sometimes we allow “small,” slights from other people to slide. Perhaps they didn’t mean it that way. Maybe they just didn’t know how to say something to us and therefore ended up offending us in the long run.
IF YOUR “NO,” TO SOMEONE SOUNDS LIKE A MAYBE TO THEM, THEN YOU SHOULD STEER CLEAR OF THAT PERSON.
Well it is 2020, so enough of trying to excuse people’s bad actions. If someone made you uncomfortable…they made you uncomfortable, period. If you have already expressed to them why or how they disturbed your peace, yet they continue to violate those boundaries put in place, you are free to leave them exactly where they stand.
My therapist and I have been discussing the topic of boundaries for the last few months now. After so much trial and error, I have finally reached a breakthrough where I feel more confident in applying them in my day to day life.
Recently I went out on a date with a guy who was pretty cool, an intellectual, sarcastic, kinda funny and definitely a cutie. But the issue I had was, he clearly had no respect for my boundaries. He asked me a certain question on our first date and throughout the next week or so of us getting to know each other more, he asked the same exact question a total of 3 more times. This made me extremely uneasy.
YOUR BOUNDARIES ARE THERE TO PROTECT YOU. YOUR BOUNDARIES KEEP YOU COMFORTABLE. YOUR BOUNDARIES KEEP YOU SAFE. YOUR BOUNDARIES ARE LAW.
On the second inquiry, I explained why I said “no,” to begin with and on the next few I didn’t care to explain further. Needless to say, we haven’t spoken since because I decided to move forward, without him. The way that someone carries themselves when you first meet is super important. But the way that said person responds to clear boundaries you enforce from the beginning is even more important.
If your “no,” to someone sounds like a maybe to them, then you should steer clear of that person. Your boundaries are law. You are the courthouse, the government and the powers that be when it comes to your life. Whoever wants to enter must arrive with clear respect for who you are as a person. That person must also respect the boundaries you express and enforce. Never allow anyone to make you feel bad for your boundaries.
Your boundaries are there to protect you. Your boundaries keep you comfortable. Your boundaries keep you safe. Your boundaries are law.
Here is a quick example of how you can enforce your boundaries with anyone:
Person: Hey, I got two tickets to a music festival in ATL, wanna come?
You: No thank you, I’m not comfortable travelling with you since we’ve only known each other for 2 weeks.
This is just a quick example but please also remember that “No,” is a complete sentence. You don’t owe anyone an explanation on why you don’t want to participate in a certain activity or why you don’t like them speaking to you a certain way. If you are uneasy with how you are being treated, in any environment, then you are allowed to express that without holding back.
Your boundaries are law. Never forget that.
Your Good Sis,