your boundaries are law

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Welcome back to another Friday night read with self•lationship. Enjoy!

I’ve been in therapy since February, so in a few months that will make it a year. There are quite a few things in my life right now that I am not accustomed to. For one, this is the longest I’ve stayed at a job, the same home, and with the same therapist for the last few years of my life. With that said, stability has entered the chat and I am certainly grateful for it. Part of that stability has also ushered in a new era for me in my singleness. I am learning the importance of exploring, learning, understanding and applying my boundaries. These boundaries are not just towards others but more importantly for myself.

You see, when you take the time to understand what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable, you are setting the stage for your future self to have less trauma to deal with. Sometimes we allow “small,” slights from other people to slide. Perhaps they didn’t mean it that way. Maybe they just didn’t know how to say something to us and therefore ended up offending us in the long run.

IF YOUR “NO,” TO SOMEONE SOUNDS LIKE A MAYBE TO THEM, THEN YOU SHOULD STEER CLEAR OF THAT PERSON.

Well it is 2020, so enough of trying to excuse people’s bad actions. If someone made you uncomfortable…they made you uncomfortable, period. If you have already expressed to them why or how they disturbed your peace, yet they continue to violate those boundaries put in place, you are free to leave them exactly where they stand.

My therapist and I have been discussing the topic of boundaries for the last few months now. After so much trial and error, I have finally reached a breakthrough where I feel more confident in applying them in my day to day life.

Recently I went out on a date with a guy who was pretty cool, an intellectual, sarcastic, kinda funny and definitely a cutie. But the issue I had was, he clearly had no respect for my boundaries. He asked me a certain question on our first date and throughout the next week or so of us getting to know each other more, he asked the same exact question a total of 3 more times. This made me extremely uneasy.

YOUR BOUNDARIES ARE THERE TO PROTECT YOU. YOUR BOUNDARIES KEEP YOU COMFORTABLE. YOUR BOUNDARIES KEEP YOU SAFE. YOUR BOUNDARIES ARE LAW.

On the second inquiry, I explained why I said “no,” to begin with and on the next few I didn’t care to explain further. Needless to say, we haven’t spoken since because I decided to move forward, without him. The way that someone carries themselves when you first meet is super important. But the way that said person responds to clear boundaries you enforce from the beginning is even more important.

If your “no,” to someone sounds like a maybe to them, then you should steer clear of that person. Your boundaries are law. You are the courthouse, the government and the powers that be when it comes to your life. Whoever wants to enter must arrive with clear respect for who you are as a person. That person must also respect the boundaries you express and enforce. Never allow anyone to make you feel bad for your boundaries.

Your boundaries are there to protect you. Your boundaries keep you comfortable. Your boundaries keep you safe. Your boundaries are law.

Here is a quick example of how you can enforce your boundaries with anyone:

Person: Hey, I got two tickets to a music festival in ATL, wanna come?

You: No thank you, I’m not comfortable travelling with you since we’ve only known each other for 2 weeks.

This is just a quick example but please also remember that “No,” is a complete sentence. You don’t owe anyone an explanation on why you don’t want to participate in a certain activity or why you don’t like them speaking to you a certain way. If you are uneasy with how you are being treated, in any environment, then you are allowed to express that without holding back.

Your boundaries are law. Never forget that.

Your Good Sis,

Sophonie

for the love of self…

blog, love, new blog post, self care, self help, self love, self love blog, selflationship, true love

For your listening pleasure:

It is a common saying that, “Pressure makes diamonds,” but that to me is such a cliche quote. I hate cliches or at least I have grown to hate them. According to all of my Creative Writing professors in college, cliches were stale and need not be used too much in our writing. So I offer you this quote instead, “Pain can create dynamic individuals.” 


While I don’t subscribe to the belief that one must always suffer in order to grow in life or experience some sort of change, it is important to take from your pain what you can. In my case, the pain I have experienced for the last decade revolves around a missing piece of my heart, figuratively speaking. 

As a child love was an uncommon topic in my household. But I was sure love existed somewhere, perhaps between bites of home cooked meals, hugs, kisses, family time around the TV and fellowship at church or in our backyard to enjoy the southern breeze. Either way, I know love was there. It was just never explained nor explored.

Love. A concept that has been plastered on movie screens, in books, and in every nook possible of life. Romantic love to be exact. The idea that there is someone for everyone and if we behave a certain way, look like this or that we too can find it.


So naturally that is what I sought as a child going into my teenage years. Eventually that love was found but a few years before that, the only example of so called “true love,” crumbled in front of my eyes. While that damaged my views on love at the moment, I allowed myself a taste of it for a moment. Once I received it, I was hooked. Since then I haven’t been the same.

Now as I am maturing and getting even older, I am realizing the most essential love was one that hasn’t been nurtured nearly as much as it should be.

This is the reason behind this blog. I can be complicated at times but with this creation, I want to simply continue on my path of healing old love wounds while inspiring others to do the same so that we can march on towards (cliche) the battlefield that is true self-love.

With that said, I bring you self•lationship, a blog making space for your self-care, solitude, and serenity in mind. But most importantly made for your own love of self.

P.S. This was the very fist piece that I wrote for this blog. It was an idea that kept nagging at me and I literally woke up around like 3am to write about it. Initially this was going to be an Instagram blog but I wanted it to be more special than just another social media page. I hope you all are enjoying my newfound passion project.

Sincerely,

Sophonie