re-Discovering Sophonie

black blogger, black girl blogger, black woman writer, blog, healing, inspiration, inspirational blog, mental health

Today is Sunday, August the 8th, 2021. A few days ago I experienced something within a dating situation that really threw me off guard. Dating is not my favorite thing to do nor is it my favorite subject. However, if there is one thing dating always does for me, is allow me the chance to get into a mode of introspection. I am not one to say that I am flawless because that would be the furthest thing from the truth. I am flaw filled and fully aware of that. So although I would have enjoyed that dating experience to continue further in terms of us getting to know each other, I refuse to have any negative blood towards that person. I truly think that we were simply not aligned and that is okay.

Now what does this have to do with the title of this blog? You know there is always a method to my madness, so here it goes. Towards the end of June, I moved to Delaware. A few years back I could never see myself here but it has truly brought a newfound peace to my life. I’ve always been a city girl, no matter what state I resided in and I thought Jersey was it forever. But it was time for a change. I laugh at myself because when the idea was first brought up by my sister, I thought to myself, “What the hell is there to do in Delaware and also how am I going to flourish creatively?”

Anyways, right before moving, I had my very last therapy session since my insurance would no longer be valid since I had to leave my full time job. I recall my therapist asking me, “What would you call this phase of your life?” I replied by saying, “Discovering Sophonie.” That phrase felt so fitting and still does.

For the purpose of this blog, I added the prefix “re-,” because truth is I think that as children we know ourselves pretty well. It is the world that taints us and eventually we lose sense of who we truly are. Then when we get older, we become bitter in ways that makes no sense until we do the inner work. We begin to wonder why do we view ourselves negatively or even others? What about our inner child was so wounded that we now aren’t able to function freely and simply be who we are? We begin to feel lost or just out of place in damn near every section of our lives.

I have been experiencing this for maybe the last 5 years or so of my life. Trying to re-discover myself. As a child acting and writing were the only things I could seriously see myself doing as a career. Then in middle school, I discovered my love of Psychology and I added that to my list of passions. Now at 27, I sit here feeling out of place more times than not because I have not found the way to make any of these passions turn into an actual career. It feels like the last few years I have simply been playing ring around the rosie with life. No actual direction.

Regardless of those feelings, I am learning that the real issue is never centering myself enough to fully and truly understand what my own needs are. Allowing what I’ve been conditioned to believe about myself due to society, religion and family infiltrate my mind is what tends to hold me back. The idea that we don’t care what others say or think about us is genuinely bullshit for most of us. I’ve said it so many times but have never fully believed it myself. I do care how others feel about me and that is exactly why I tend to suffer.

I am not saying any of this for sympathy or even empathy at that but rather opening up the conversation that in order for us to actually heal, we have to be willing to accept and be ourselves regardless of what others think. You can still care about their opinions but allowing those opinions to stop you from living your life will never get you far in life.

The journey of healing is one that is constant, just as life is. So long as we are alive, I believe we have the opportunity to continue healing and ultimately grow. I may not fully understand this phase of my life but I guess that is the focal point of it. After all, it is a moment to rediscover who I am, what I want, what I need and where I want my life to be. No matter how many people or friends I go to for advice, the only person who can help along this discovery of self, is me.

your boundaries are law

blog, blog post, new blog post, self care, self love, self love blog, selflationship

Welcome back to another Friday night read with self•lationship. Enjoy!

I’ve been in therapy since February, so in a few months that will make it a year. There are quite a few things in my life right now that I am not accustomed to. For one, this is the longest I’ve stayed at a job, the same home, and with the same therapist for the last few years of my life. With that said, stability has entered the chat and I am certainly grateful for it. Part of that stability has also ushered in a new era for me in my singleness. I am learning the importance of exploring, learning, understanding and applying my boundaries. These boundaries are not just towards others but more importantly for myself.

You see, when you take the time to understand what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable, you are setting the stage for your future self to have less trauma to deal with. Sometimes we allow “small,” slights from other people to slide. Perhaps they didn’t mean it that way. Maybe they just didn’t know how to say something to us and therefore ended up offending us in the long run.

IF YOUR “NO,” TO SOMEONE SOUNDS LIKE A MAYBE TO THEM, THEN YOU SHOULD STEER CLEAR OF THAT PERSON.

Well it is 2020, so enough of trying to excuse people’s bad actions. If someone made you uncomfortable…they made you uncomfortable, period. If you have already expressed to them why or how they disturbed your peace, yet they continue to violate those boundaries put in place, you are free to leave them exactly where they stand.

My therapist and I have been discussing the topic of boundaries for the last few months now. After so much trial and error, I have finally reached a breakthrough where I feel more confident in applying them in my day to day life.

Recently I went out on a date with a guy who was pretty cool, an intellectual, sarcastic, kinda funny and definitely a cutie. But the issue I had was, he clearly had no respect for my boundaries. He asked me a certain question on our first date and throughout the next week or so of us getting to know each other more, he asked the same exact question a total of 3 more times. This made me extremely uneasy.

YOUR BOUNDARIES ARE THERE TO PROTECT YOU. YOUR BOUNDARIES KEEP YOU COMFORTABLE. YOUR BOUNDARIES KEEP YOU SAFE. YOUR BOUNDARIES ARE LAW.

On the second inquiry, I explained why I said “no,” to begin with and on the next few I didn’t care to explain further. Needless to say, we haven’t spoken since because I decided to move forward, without him. The way that someone carries themselves when you first meet is super important. But the way that said person responds to clear boundaries you enforce from the beginning is even more important.

If your “no,” to someone sounds like a maybe to them, then you should steer clear of that person. Your boundaries are law. You are the courthouse, the government and the powers that be when it comes to your life. Whoever wants to enter must arrive with clear respect for who you are as a person. That person must also respect the boundaries you express and enforce. Never allow anyone to make you feel bad for your boundaries.

Your boundaries are there to protect you. Your boundaries keep you comfortable. Your boundaries keep you safe. Your boundaries are law.

Here is a quick example of how you can enforce your boundaries with anyone:

Person: Hey, I got two tickets to a music festival in ATL, wanna come?

You: No thank you, I’m not comfortable travelling with you since we’ve only known each other for 2 weeks.

This is just a quick example but please also remember that “No,” is a complete sentence. You don’t owe anyone an explanation on why you don’t want to participate in a certain activity or why you don’t like them speaking to you a certain way. If you are uneasy with how you are being treated, in any environment, then you are allowed to express that without holding back.

Your boundaries are law. Never forget that.

Your Good Sis,

Sophonie

for the love of self…

blog, love, new blog post, self care, self help, self love, self love blog, selflationship, true love

For your listening pleasure:

It is a common saying that, “Pressure makes diamonds,” but that to me is such a cliche quote. I hate cliches or at least I have grown to hate them. According to all of my Creative Writing professors in college, cliches were stale and need not be used too much in our writing. So I offer you this quote instead, “Pain can create dynamic individuals.” 


While I don’t subscribe to the belief that one must always suffer in order to grow in life or experience some sort of change, it is important to take from your pain what you can. In my case, the pain I have experienced for the last decade revolves around a missing piece of my heart, figuratively speaking. 

As a child love was an uncommon topic in my household. But I was sure love existed somewhere, perhaps between bites of home cooked meals, hugs, kisses, family time around the TV and fellowship at church or in our backyard to enjoy the southern breeze. Either way, I know love was there. It was just never explained nor explored.

Love. A concept that has been plastered on movie screens, in books, and in every nook possible of life. Romantic love to be exact. The idea that there is someone for everyone and if we behave a certain way, look like this or that we too can find it.


So naturally that is what I sought as a child going into my teenage years. Eventually that love was found but a few years before that, the only example of so called “true love,” crumbled in front of my eyes. While that damaged my views on love at the moment, I allowed myself a taste of it for a moment. Once I received it, I was hooked. Since then I haven’t been the same.

Now as I am maturing and getting even older, I am realizing the most essential love was one that hasn’t been nurtured nearly as much as it should be.

This is the reason behind this blog. I can be complicated at times but with this creation, I want to simply continue on my path of healing old love wounds while inspiring others to do the same so that we can march on towards (cliche) the battlefield that is true self-love.

With that said, I bring you self•lationship, a blog making space for your self-care, solitude, and serenity in mind. But most importantly made for your own love of self.

P.S. This was the very fist piece that I wrote for this blog. It was an idea that kept nagging at me and I literally woke up around like 3am to write about it. Initially this was going to be an Instagram blog but I wanted it to be more special than just another social media page. I hope you all are enjoying my newfound passion project.

Sincerely,

Sophonie