self•lationship: solitude vol.3

solitude vol.1

sol·i·tude

/ˈsäləˌt(y)o͞od/

noun

  1. the state or situation of being alone.

expectations vs reality

Moving onto volume three of solitude and I am going to be honest, this one might be difficult for me to complete. Today I’m going to take you all on a ride. I will try my best to make it brief. Long story short, I was in love once. Truly, madly, deeply and all the way in that shit. No, seriously LOL. Except when it happened I was only 15 years old. Now many people might say, “that’s just puppy luv.” Well to myself and my ex-boyfriend I don’t believe we saw it as such nor do I think we do even now.

We took each other on quite the roller-coaster of emotions for a good 10 years but were only in an actual relationship for about 3 years. The other 7 years were pure fuckery, stupidity and lust wrapped all in one. Before that happened, we had planned out baby names, swore up and down we’d be married by our mid 20s. That was obviously a reach, neither of us are married nor do we have children.

Isn’t it funny how we as humans think we can plan out everything, knowing damn well it’s ultimately not up to us? It’s wild to see. Either way, that’s what we did. Our classmates and friends would call us Michelle and Obama (not even joking). It was cute to be honest, even when I look back at it now.

I’ll never forget we had this bond over sharing Sun Chips in the cafeteria during lunch. I randomly stumbled across this memory on Facebook earlier this week and it honestly brought me a good laugh. Our bond was made out of early 2000’s teenage rom-com movies.

Isn’t it funny how we as humans think we can plan out everything, knowing damn well it’s ultimately not up to us?

We did the whole thing, had class together, were in similar after school programs, went to prom together and graduated together. It was to me a dream come true. Coming from a once two parent home that then shifted to a one parent home shook me to my core as an adolescent. It is something I am still processing through therapy. Yes, your childhood can be that detrimental.

It wasn’t until my time as a teacher 4 years ago that I realized that my childhood was actually considered as a form of trauma. For a while I thought that only meant those who were abused or abandoned which in some ways I was but that’s a different story.

Regardless, I found myself so enthralled in this relationship that when it ended I didn’t know how to react. He broke it off, I panicked. That was the first time I found myself on a therapist’s couch. I was 18, a freshman in college and confused. Mind you, life was still very much hectic with family and just a few months before that I had been kicked out of my school briefly due to financial reasons.

For your listening pleasure while reading:

So perhaps I thought the therapy was needed for my love wounds but there was much more to it. The reason I gave that story is to paint this picture. Relationships are not the end all, be all for anyone. It shouldn’t make you and it shouldn’t break you either. Can it? Absolutely. Should you allow it to? No.

Had I known just how special my creative spirit was and the moves I could make with my writing at that time, instead of crawling into a corner of sadness I would’ve used that pain to my advantage. Rather than going back and forth with my ex, I would’ve put a final stop to it realizing that you can’t force someone to love you who has stopped.

Now, can I truly get into his mind and figure out if immediately stopped loving me once he broke up with me? No I cannot but the fact of the matter is, our breakup pushed me into the growing pains of healing. I’m not saying he’s the reason for my growth in life because that is solely God’s doing. However, I do believe God used that breakup as a way to push me into the solitude needed to begin refining me into the woman who now stands in front of the world sharing my story.

Solitude can build one’s fortitude in this thing we call life.

Last night, my father sent me a WhatsApp voice note expressing that I shouldn’t tell the world so much of my business. I waited a day to finally see how I would express myself in response to him, I just sent it and feel at ease now. The purpose of my brand, business and I believe my path is in life is all about being fully transparent with others. There are people suffering in the world simply because they can’t or won’t speak up for what they are going through.

Being that I have been afforded those privileges, I only see it fit that I use those tools however I can. So sharing my story while finding innovative ways to do it is simply what I have chosen and will continue to do.

Sharing this story about my ex was hard and weird. But he’s been on my mind lately so I wrote about him. There’s no need to slander him or our breakup. Instead, I found a way to simply express what I have learned from that situation.

Through my honesty, may peace and healing flow to my readers through their phone or computer screens.

My high school sweetheart breakup propelled my life into a forced solitude that I may not have wanted but I’ve learned/grown to love. I also realize that it forced me to not jump into a relationship either. Now that could be due to my emotional walls being up but at the same time it saved me from some extra heartache that I didn’t need to experience.

Solitude can build one’s fortitude in this thing we call life.

So let’s all learn to embrace it a little more.

Your Good Sis,

Sophonie

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